Stuck

I'm still stuck at 194.

And I know why.

I haven't been exercising as much, and I just keep eating. I need to remove all chocolate chips from my cupboards. Mostly, I need to stop eating when I'm not hungry. I need to keep busy so I don't just sit and think about food.

Nothing much has changed since the last post...


...EXCEPT that there are only 3 more days in January, which means I need to take my monthly booty shorts and sports bra picture! And my body hasn't changed! Aaaah!

The ex has lost 40 pounds in the past 2 months. Chump. I'm just jealous. Protein and veggies and water, he says. No soda except for a select few types of diet soda. And if you stray at all, it doesn't work.

Terri at work and I have made a pact to have no sugar until Valentine's Day. And to have no carbs. Protein and veggies. Dairy without sugar (there go all of my yogurts). I told her we'd have to start on Monday, because - 1, I needed to eat the groceries that I just bought (oranges, bread, some cereal before the milk goes bad, yogurt, etc.) 2, Munch and Mingle on Sunday for church, and it's pasta and breadsticks and salad...mmm, and 3, Jon (ok, we) need/want to finish the ice cream that's in the freezer. Ice cream is my weakness. Well, a lot of things are my weakness. But ice cream is in the top five things. I have a hard time with these kind of diets. But I know it will work. Terri did it for two weeks once before and she lost a lot in her stomach and could tell there was a difference. Maybe it will help jump-start me on the right path. She says it will help me look "extra nice and pretty and hot" for my big Valentine's date. Whatever that may be...haha.

I'm stuck at 194. I feel like this mouse. But I'm not really like him, because I'm not trying hard enough to get out of this rut. Seriously. What's my problem?

Up, Down, Turn Around...

Up, down, turn around. I think that's what my weight is doing.

I was 190 last week. This morning I was 194.

I need to get back on track. I'm slipping back into the habits of eating too much and not working out. This past week I just kept eating. I wouldn't even be hungry but I'd eat anyway. What is my deal? I start doing well, and then I just mess up all over again. I need some motivation. Put a picture on my wall of how I want to look? Hang a size 6 pair of jeans in my room? I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet, but it's gotta be something. I try picturing myself in a wedding dress (I'll be honest, I only see the slender me when I imagine it, not the chubby me. I need to work on that). Or I see myself on a cruise and laying out getting a tan - also the smallish me and not the large me. I think maybe instead of motivational 'skinny' pictures, I'll put up a picture of me NOW. I think THAT should motivate me. I'll see it and think "That's not how I want to look. I'm going to fix it."

I think that will be my new plan. :)

Good thing Otis doesn't live here to see this!

Expecting a Miracle (?)

I insisted that my roommate take more pictures of me after two weeks of working out. I was down 4 pounds, you know? I expected a difference. Well, the only difference between the two pictures was my hair style. I don't fit into any of my clothes better and some Large sizes at the stores are still too small. I expected a miracle.

I did weigh myself today and I was down to 190.6! 5 pounds in 2.5 weeks? Not too shabby. I know I can do better though. This weekend was kind of a downer and I didn't work out too much. I didn't feel well for a few days. But I also ate fried chicken, creamed corn, biscuits, mashed potatoes with gravy, brownies, etc. Maybe it was comfort food after I got into a car accident on Friday (long story, my fault, no one was hurt, bumper to bumper. But I still have to go to court).

I swear, working out has made the difference. Maybe it really IS easy for me to lose weight. I can't complain too much - my poor mom is on workout day number 290 or something close to that and her skirt that was tight before is still tight. My mom already looks wonderful and doesn't need to lose weight, but wouldn't that be a downer? I would just give up. But my mom is great and wonderful and everything else that is good and I know that she will keep going. Don't be like this lady (even though I'm sure you feel like it sometimes):

Shred

I wish 190 was the new 160...

Man. This morning was hard. I was in the deepest sleep ever when my alarm went off at 5. I was cocooned by thick blankets and pillows in the middle of my bed. I think I could have slept for at least a few more hours. I let the alarm blare for a while - today was one of the hardest days to roll out of bed.

This morning my roommate and I did Day 1 of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred workout DVD. I've done the DVD before, but this morning killed me. I was out of breath pretty much the whole time and was so excited for the ab work - just so I could lay on the floor. I honestly thought it would be kind of a breeze, after doing The Firm for the past few days. It's only 20 minutes long, so I'm going to do another 20 or 30 minutes on the elliptical tonight.

I watched The Biggest Loser this morning while I got ready for work. One team tried sabotaging the other team by tempting them with doughnuts! I know it's a competition, but I feel like they are all there to get healthy and lose weight, why do that to the other team. I am happy to report that the team did NOT eat any of the doughnuts. They took the two boxes outside and stomped on them and tossed them in the garbage! (I hope I would be able to do that - doughnuts are definitely a weakness).

This morning I weighed 191.2. As long as the number keeps getting lower, I'm happy.

Seeking Motivation

Today, I think I would take the escalator...

Today I am very tired. I think I may be coming down with something - I keep sniffling and I'm starting to get a cough. My roommate and I woke up at 5 AM to do the hour long Firm video. It's a pretty tough workout, and my glutes and thighs burn like crazy while I'm doing it. It's a good feeling though - it must be working!

Today I have no motivation. The phone keeps ringing, students are demanding, and I just feel worn out. I want a vacation. Maybe I'm just being a baby. I have about 55 hours of PTO saved up, and I want to take 2 days off in February and have a long birthday weekend. But I'm tempted to take a day off earlier than that. I'm glad I worked out this morning, because when I get home I just want to relax and not think.

I was 191.6 this morning. Slowly going down... Usually that would be motivating, but I feel drained. And extra fat. And my clothes are still way too tight. I just want to magically be 170 again and start from there. Or, if magic was real, automatically be 130-135.

Maybe I just feel depressed because the sun is not out today. I usually like the winter and the snow, but I'm ready for it to be over. Once the chill reaches my bones it takes forever for it to go away. I swear this year has been extra cold.

Confessions of a Heelaholic

I love shoes. I love clothes, but I love shoes more. Because shoes always fit. Clothes don't always fit my body. I'm too big busted, my stomach is too large, my arms don't fit in the sleeves, etc. I do have a lot of clothes, though. I wear about half, and the other half I keep for when I am fit.

I always want shoes. Whenever I feel down or depressed, I bought shoes. When I felt happy and needed to celebrate something, I bought shoes. But I have been so good lately. I have not bought shoes in 4 1/2 months!

I still look at them. I try them on, touch them, and picture what outfits I would wear with them. Because you know the whole outfit revolves around the shoe...

A little piece of heaven

My cupboard is getting too full! But I can't part with any of my shoes. I only wear about half of them, but I never know when I'll need one of the other pairs. So I just hold onto them. I need my mom out here to help me - she is good at telling me the difference of what I need and what I want. Although shoes are a need in my book.

I have decided that after every 10 pounds I lose, I will buy myself a new pair of shoes. So 60 pounds = 6 pairs of shoes by the end of this 'journey'. Although, I'm pretty sure I'll need a pedicure to go along with the shoes...

Today I was 192.6 - I'm down 3 pounds!

Resistance...or not

There are a lot of bagels and cream cheese at work. And they are from Einsteins. SOS. So far I've resisted. But my mind seems to change very quickly.


I guess I can just scroll down and look at my pictures. That will turn me off to the bagels.


Great, right in the middle of writing the line above, a coworker brought me a bagel. Only half of one, with whipped strawberry cream cheese.


It's my 10:00 snack, right?

Body Pics, Take One

If you don't want to throw up a little in your mouth, don't scroll down. If you don't mind a little throw up in your mouth (you'll lose a few ounces, right?!), then go ahead and see the pictures of my body, dressed in a sports bra and booty shorts.

While you're scrolling, I'll give you an update. I was down 2 pounds today. 193.4 - How does that happen? Maybe because I am drinking a lot more water and my body was holding onto it or something. But anyway, I was happy to see it when I stepped on the scale. (Although I'll be much happier when I see 135! Can you imagine seeing a 1 followed by a 3?! I can't wait!)

I talked to my mom on the phone last night for a while. We were talking about food cravings and how it's weird that we all get them. Something sweet or salty, chocolate, cookies, pineapple, etc. And of course, while we were talking about it, I grabbed some tortilla chips. And finished off that bag...at least they are out of the house now!

Front view - hello, spare tire!

Side view - where did my chin go?
Be proud, I didn't even suck in! (Not that it would make a big difference anyway...)

Back view - Where did my bread dough go?!

(When my sisters and I would take baths together when we were little, we'd pinch each others' bottoms and say "bread dough, bread dough" like we were kneading dough) I want a booty to fill those shorts!

I have a long road ahead. But I know I can do it! Hopefully in a month's time there will be a small difference between the pictures.

Mantra for today: "Bigger snacks mean bigger slacks."

Firming Up

I think that sometimes the old school workouts are better than the newer, popular "one-day wonder" style workouts. Like a fad, they come and go. Same with the crazy diets we read about - lemon juice with pepper, raw diet full of nuts and fresh vegetables, lots of meat, no meat, green tea, etc. I'm sure they all have their healthy purposes (except for the pepper, syrup, and lemon water). I've tried my fair share of fad diets, too. But, like exercise, almost all fitness and health gurus say the same thing: to lose weight, you have to eat a healthy, balanced diet and exercise pretty much every day.

My roommate and I have been working out with The Firm Total Body: Body Sculpting Basics. (I have learned that the word basic does not mean simple!) It's a full hour long, and I think that Susan Harris, the instructor, loves to do squats. Her body is amazing, so they must work. Maybe I gained 2.4 pounds because of the muscle I've been building? Ha, a girl can dream...

I have worked out every day since the 1st (excluding Sunday - that's my one day "off".) I have been doing The Firm every time except this morning. I tried! I did about 20 minutes and stopped. My body was so tired! So I finished with 20 minutes on the elliptical while I watched an episode of Seinfeld.

Another goal is to get plenty of rest. If I'm waking up at 5 AM to exercise, I need to go to bed by at least 10. This has not been happening. I've been working out at night, too, but sometimes the evening gets so busy that when I stop and look at the clock, it's already 10! Plus an hour workout? Killer. I just want to slip into bed by that time.

I really pray that I keep up with exercising. I need a picture in my head of what I want to look like in one month from now, 6 months, a year, etc. Sometimes it's fun to put your face onto someone elses body and see the potential. I won't lie, I've done that with the Victoria Secret models and with the girls on Bay Watch. Dang, I would look so good! Even I would wear my bathing suit without shorts and run along the beach if I looked like them!

The Blob

This blog is to keep track of my weight loss journey.

There will be before and after pictures every month, so proceed with caution.

Background:

I've been overweight since I was 11 years old. All throughout middle school and high school I was big. I wore a size 14/16 (mostly 16). No one teased me about my weight, but the saying is true - we are our own worst critic. I hated the way I looked, and I still do. I look at past pictures, and I look like a disgruntled 35 year old with buck teeth who collects dolls (my sister knows the particular picture I'm talking about). I've grown into my 'mature' looks now, and I think my face fits my age. But not my body. I want a body of a 22-almost-23 year old! I'm supposed to be at my prime! I don't want the body of a lady who has had 19 kids...and counting.

My friend Sarah made it onto The Biggest Loser this season. I am so excited for her! (Go Pink Team!) But I'm also so jealous. She's going to come back all hot and fit while I'm still sitting here like a blob. That's what I do - I sit. I sit at work behind a desk all day. I sit and watch a movie at home or in the theater (usually with popcorn), and I sit at night and read or play games or look on the computer.

But, on January 1st, my roommate took my "before" pictures - front view, side view, and back view of my blob with a sports bra and booty shorts. 2011 is going to mean something. It's time for a change - (that may be the 1,000th time I've said that) - but this year is different. I can feel it in my bones. I am going to post pictures of my monthly progress - from all angles. I'm going to tell you my weight. That is a BIG step! I've only ever told 3 people my weight - my sister, my roommate, and my cousin.

History:

At my heaviest, I weighed in at 202.4 pounds. I couldn't believe it when I hit the 200's. I never expected that to happen. In high school, I always stayed in the 175-185 range. When I turned 20, I started dating a boy. What do you do when you date someone? You go out to eat a lot, you watch movies with popcorn and candy and soda, and you sit around or go for drives. You get so comfortable with the person, who cares if you've put on 20 or 30 pounds, right? I knew my jeans were getting tighter and tighter, but I just ignored it. I started buying more clothes with the XL label than L. The relationship ended, but not my bad eating habits. I blame him for introducing me to Del Taco's chicken soft tacos. Yum!

After being horrified with myself for reaching the 200's, I started eating a little better and getting more active. I got down to 195 and stayed within 3 pounds of that number for a long time. I went to Hawaii in April of 2010, and I weighed 195. I didn't think that I really looked that awful - just a little overweight. BUT then I saw the pictures of myself. I saw the 40 year old woman who was dissatisfied with the way she looked. Who had a tire around her stomach! She had a double chin and extra large thighs and could probably fly with her floppy arms! She needed to change!

So I did. I started going to my sister's house and used her elliptical. On Saturday mornings I would go for a walk/jog on a trail along Utah Lake. I was more aware of what I ate. I wasn't consistent, but it started to pay off. Slowly but surely, by the 23rd of August, I weighed 170.0! I lost 25 pounds, and 32 pounds from my highest weight of 202! I was floating on cloud 9 - my jeans were getting looser so I bought a pair of size 12 jeans. And then they started getting loose! My skirts that I wear to work were practically falling off of me. Size 16? Yeah right, those would slide off!

Well, on the same day that I weighed my lowest, I met the man of my dreams. We're in love, we talk about marriage, and I'm so happy. So I gained a few pounds - who cared? I was in love. I gained some more, but ignored it. My jeans were getting tighter. I thought we were staying pretty active and playing sports and going for walks (although most of the walks consisted of going to Macey's to get a twist ice cream cone). By January 1st, I worked my way up to 193 pounds (the easiest "work" I've ever done!) I gained 23 pounds in 4 months! The man of my dreams says he doesn't even notice...he's definitely a keeper.

Today:

So on January 1st, I started working out. One hour every day. And guess what? I've gained weight. This morning I weighed 195.4... that's +2.4 pounds in less than a week! I'm sliding back up to the 200's! And I've been kicking my own booty - what is up with that?! BUT, because I've been working out so hard, I think to myself "Well, I worked out really hard today, I can definitely have a few cookies" or "I woke up so early and worked out, what's a handful or two (or three or four) of chocolate chips?"

Goals:

My goal, overall, is to lose 60 pounds. To be in the 130-135 range. I'm 5' 4". I want to be healthy and I want to feel good about myself. I want to look at pictures and see a fit 23 year old smiling back. I want to look good in wedding pictures, whether it be May or August or whenever. I don't want to be out of breath just climbing some stairs. I don't want the librarian at work to ask me when I'm due (true story - although I think she was just confusing me with the other secretary I work with who actually IS pregnant and ready to pop.)

I'm Grateful:

I AM very grateful for my body: I have all of my limbs, my skin is clear, I have no diseases, I don't get sick too often, and I'm pretty well-proportioned (except for the mini tire that's starting to encircle my waist.)
I have a great family, a nice place to live, a fun roommate, an awesome boyfriend, and good co-workers.
I have lots of work out videos and an elliptical. I live by the mountains and by lakes and there are a ton of hiking trails and an assortment of activities for me to try.

Most of my entries will not be this long. I hope to have daily updates for you, but for now (as Stephanie Nielson would say):

My name is Molly Siebach, and I am not my body.